By Charles A. Smith
What does it take to be a good father? Find out and learn how to become the father you want to be.
Involvement, influence, and affection: three keys to
father-child relationships. Though they may sometimes find it difficult to express their feelings, most
fathers care about their children and families.
In
a 1980 Gallup poll, six out of ten fathers said their families were
"the most important element of my life at this time." Only 8 percent
said their families were unimportant to them. When asked what they found
most satisfying about their families,
fathers rated "children," "closeness," and "being together" as personally important. [1]
This hearty endorsement of family life contradicts some of the traditional roles or popular
images of fathers in our society:
The Wallet:
This father is preoccupied with providing financial support for his
family. He may work long hours to bring home his paycheck and does not
take an active part in caring for the children. Making money provides
this father with a distraction from family involvement.
The Rock: This is a "tough" father - strict on discipline and in charge of the family. He may also believe that a
good father remains emotionally distant from his children, so expressions of affection are taboo.
The Dagwood Bumstead:
This father tries to be a "real pal" to his children, but his efforts
are often clumsy or extreme. He doesn't understand his children and
feels confused about what to do. He may also feel that he is not
respected within the family.
These traditional stereotypes are now clashing with another image of a father:
The Caregiver:
This father tries to combine toughness with tenderness. He enjoys his
children but is not afraid to set firm but fair limits. He and his wife
may cooperate in childrearing and homemaking.
This type of father
has always been around. But the number of men who choose this role is
increasing. Many fathers today recognize that family life can be
rewarding and that their children need their involvement.
This
shift in roles is influenced by two major social changes: the increase
in the number of women working and the rising divorce rate. As more and
more mothers join the work force, fathers are being asked to take on
more responsibilities at home. In 1979, 40 percent of the mothers of
children under age 3 were employed.[2] Instead of remaining on the
fringe of family life, many fathers are helping more with child care and
housekeeping.
Fathers are also profoundly influenced by the
escalating divorce rate.[3] For every two marriages there is now one
divorce - a tripling of the divorce rate between 1960 and 1980. If they
are not directly involved in a divorce, most men have friends who are.
They witness the loss their friends have experienced and reexamine the
importance of their own family relationships. Remarriage and
stepfathering are also creating new challenges for many fathers.
Because
of these changes in our society, many men are being forced to develop
family relationships that are quite different from those they had with
their own fathers. They cannot easily fall back on their own childhood
experiences for guidance. What worked very well for their fathers 20 or
30 years ago may not work at all with the kinds of challenges fathers
face today.
These changes in social attitudes mean that men have
more options for meeting their obligations as fathers and husbands. Some
men will express their feelings more openly, while others will be more
reserved; some will enjoy the companionship and play of very young
children, while others will prefer involvement with older sons and
daughters. Fathers do not have to try to fit a certain stereotyped
pattern.
According to sociologist Lewis Yablonsky, a man's
fathering style is influenced by some or all of the following forces:
his enthusiasm for being a father, his own father's behavior, the images
of how to be a father projected by the mass media, his occupation, his
temperament, the way family members relate to each other, and the number
of children he has.[4] No single style of fathering or mothering, no
matter how ideal it appears, is right for everyone.
Regardless of
their personal style, most fathers are interested in having a satisfying
relationship with their children. Although they might not be able to
put it into words, most fathers know they are important to their
children. According to psychotherapist Will Schutz, a good relationship
needs three things: involvement, respect and influence, and
affection.[5]
Involvement: The Foundation of a Relationship
The
first step in any relationship is the feeling by both persons that the
other is interested in them and wants to be with them. Many fathers
begin to prepare for this kind of relationship before their child is
even born. A father who seeks involvement is interested in his wife's
pregnancy and makes preparations for the child's birth. When the child
is born he is eager to hold the infant. In countless small ways, this
father demonstrates involvement - he may gently touch and play with his
children, hold and talk to them. By doing these things he sends a clear
and emphatic message:
I want to be your father. I am interested in you. I enjoy being with you. You and I have a relationship that is important to me.
Every child wants to sense this type of involvement from his or her father and mother. Without it, a
child feels isolated and rejected. The foundation of the relationship crumbles.
What the Research Shows Research on
father-child involvement demonstrates that [6]:
(1) Fathers are significant for children;
(2) Fathers are sensitive to children;
(3) Fathers play with children differently than mothers do.
These
differences in play continue as the child grows older. Fathers may
vigorously bounce and lift a 1- or 2-year-old in rough and tumble
physical play; mothers may prefer to play conventional games like
"peek-a-boo," offer an interesting toy, or read. Fathers' play appears
to be more physically stimulating while mothers are more
interested in teaching.
As
a result, children seem to prefer fathers as play partners, though in a
stressful situation they may be more likely to turn to their mothers.
This preference could be due to fathers spending a greater proportion of
their time playing with their children than mothers. One researcher
noted that about 40 percent of a father's time with his young children
was spent in play in contrast to about 25 percent of the mother's time.
Even though fathers may spend less total time in play than mothers,
their type of play and their apparent interest in that type of
involvement make them attractive play partners.
There are, of
course, exceptions to this pattern. Some men simply do not enjoy playing
with children, and some mothers may prefer an arousing, physical form
of child play. Also, when both parents work, the additional demands on
the family could affect the amount of time one or both parents spend
enjoying their children.
Suggestions for Fathers
How can
fathers become more involved with their children? First, they can give
each of their children exclusive attention as often as possible. During
their time together fathers could enjoy their children's company without
allowing outside distractions to interfere. As a result, their children
would feel noticed and special. There is no single formula for how this
might be accomplished. A father and child might play, talk, learn a
skill or read together. What is important is that they notice each other
and acknowledge a common interest. This type of undistracted attention
promotes a sense that each is important to the other.
Fathers
might also give their children a glimpse of their work world. Children
want to know what life is like outside the home and what their parents
do at work. Many farm families and small businesses include their
children in the operation at an early age. Parents in other occupations
may find it more difficult to give their children a glimpse of their
work, but even brief visits or tours will help. Business and industry
are gradually beginning to acknowledge that many workers are parents
too, and that adjustment in this role can have a positive effect on work
performance. Some industries provide day care centers for children of
their employees. Both mothers and fathers are able to visit their
children during breaks.
Influence. Building the Relationship
Once
involvement is established in a relationship, influence is the next
step. Each person wants to feel that what he or she says or wants is
important to the other. Each wants to be listened to and included in
discussions and decisions. This sense of personal power promotes
feelings of self-worth and respect for the other person.
Influence is an important issue in parent-child relationships. Fathers as well as mothers want their
children to listen
to them and to obey their limits. Occasionally parents have to exert
control over their children's behavior. They may allow no debate over
whether a child can stick gum on furniture, play with matches, or sit on
the car while someone is underneath changing the oil.
While
parents have to be reasonably firm at times, there are occasions when
they might yield to their children's wishes and grant permission for
safe, enjoyable activities.
Giving children privacy, letting them
choose their own clothes, and allowing them to make their own purchases
with their allowances are examples of giving influence to children.
When
they show respect for their children's wishes but also set and maintain
reasonable limits, parents send another clear and emphatic message:
I
care enough about you to provide you with the guidance you must have to
grow up to be a happy and responsible person. I will use my strength to
protect and nurture you. But I am also interested in what you think is
important for yourself. I will gradually let you make more and more
decisions on your own so that by the time you reach adulthood, you will
be able to care fully for yourself. I respect you, and I know I am
worthy of your respect.
Children want their parents to be strong.
They need to feel protected from a sometimes threatening world and from
their own immaturity and loss of control. But they do not want to be
overwhelmed by their parents' dominance. For their own self-respect,
children need a measure of personal influence.
What the Research Shows
Research on
father-child influence demonstrates that:
(1) Children typically have viewed fathers as more rigid, threatening, and demanding than mothers.
(2)
Fathers usually are stricter than mothers and more likely to punish
children, but mothers may use a wider variety of punishments.
(3)
Mothers who take authority in decision-making in the home seem to have a
marked effect on boys, lowering their sons' tendency to imitate their
fathers and thus their masculine orientation. Father-dominance, on the
other hand, does not lower the femininity of girls.
(4) Fathers'
involvement in setting limits and making decisions increases their
influence in the family, especially with their sons.
(5) Moral judgment is at a low level in boys and girls who view their father's control as overly dominant.
(6) Children may experience personal problems and difficulty in school if they are frequently dominated and punished by their fathers.
(7) Delinquent boys are likely to have fathers who are controlling, rigid, and prone to alcoholism.
These fathers may use physical punishment as a form of discipline, and
they tend to be inconsistent and erratic in their childrearing
techniques.
Suggestions for Fathers
Children
both admire and fear their father's strength. On one hand they want
their father to be strong and powerful (in the sense of being
self-confident and determined) but they may also be frightened at times
by that power. Walking the middle ground between dominance and
permissiveness can sometimes be difficult for a father. How can fathers
establish a sense of influence? First, they can establish and maintain
reasonable limits for their children.[7] Children respect parents who
provide firm but gentle guidance. But they also benefit from parents who
gradually allow them to make decisions on their own.
Fathers
could also be responsive to their children's interests. Instead of
always telling them what to do, fathers could listen and be responsive
to their children's suggestions whenever possible. When shopping, for
example, a father might let his 5-year-old choose one or two stores to
visit. Similarly, a father might ask his son or daughter to suggest a
game to play or a movie to see.
There are times, though, when
children do not have these kinds of choices. Parents often have to have
the final word. The goal might be to achieve an appropriate balance of
influence in the relationship.
Affection: The Relationship Deepens
When
people feel accepted and respected in a relationship, they will begin
to develop close feelings of mutual affection. Parents who are never
involved with their children and are either too permissive or too
dominant are not likely to become close to their children. Fathers who
expect to be constantly vigilant disciplinarians who show no tenderness
create a climate of coldness that puts distance in their relationships.
Sometimes the effect can be painful. Following a presentation to a
community group, the speaker was approached by a man who wanted to ask a
question about his adult son. He said that he and his boy had never
been close. He was, in his words, the typical busy father who
disciplined his kids but didn't show them much affection. Not long ago
he suffered a heart attack and was not expected to live. When his son
visited him in the hospital room they experienced a moment of intimacy
that the father found deeply rewarding. For the first time in their
lives both men expressed their love for each other. The words, "I love
you, Dad" meant a great deal to this very sick father. Following his
recovery, however, he realized he was gradually slipping back into his
old patterns of coldness and isolation.
"How can we tell each
other about our good feelings?" he asked. The threat of death made this
man more aware of the emptiness that existed between him and his son. He
was struggling with the idea that although change would be difficult
there was hope if he was willing to take risks and make the effort.
By expressing affection through words and deeds, parents send another clear and emphatic message to their children:
I
want to be close to you; I love you. You are special to me. I am
willing to share myself so you can get to know me better. You give me
joy.
In our closest relationships we seek these bonds of
affection. Talking about these feelings has traditionally been easier
for women than for men, but, like the father in the previous example,
men are beginning to acknowledge the importance of intimacy and
affection. They also are more willing to express the softer, gentler
side of themselves.
What the Research Shows
Research on
father-child affection demonstrates that:
(1) Generosity in preschool boys was more likely when they viewed their fathers as nurturant, affectionate, and comforting.
(2) Altruism in children grades 3 to 6 was more likely when their fathers participated in caring for them during infancy.
(3)
Loving fathers who provide reasonable, firm guidance without
arbitrarily imposing their will promote competence in their children.
Unloving, punitive, authoritarian fathers tend to produce dependent, withdrawn, anxious, and dejected children.
(4) Warm, accepting fathers tend to have children with high self-esteem. Alienated adolescents view their parents as hostile and nonaccepting.
(5) Warm, affectionate fathers influence the development of their children's sex-role behavior; they also have a positive influence on achievement and peer popularity in boys and personal adjustment in girls.
(6)
Adolescent daughters recalled less affection and support from their
fathers than the fathers recalled expressing. Daughters wished they had
received, and fathers wished they had given, more affection and
support.[8]
(7) Adolescent boys who thought they were similar to their fathers were likely to be popular with their peers.
(8)
Adolescent boys were more likely to be similar to their fathers when
the fathers were perceived as rewarding, gratifying, and understanding.
These same boys usually scored high on the masculinity scale of the
questionnaire.
(9) Mothers are more interested in the nursing and care of newborns when fathers are emotionally supportive.
Suggestions for Fathers
A
parent-child relationship might be compared to a bank account. Every
negative act - a frown, a slap, a "no" or "I'm busy" - is like a
withdrawal from the account. In contrast, affectionate, caring actions
are like deposits in the relationship account. If the withdrawals exceed
the deposits, the relationship breaks down into mutual distrust and
isolation - it becomes bankrupt. Fathers who have to make a large number
of withdrawals can do so if their deposits of warmth, support and
nurturance are high enough. Fathers can be both tough when necessary and
tender when needed. Tenderness can be difficult for some fathers
because of its association with sexuality. One expectant father was
concerned that he could have difficulty expressing affection if he had a
son. He thought he might feel uncomfortable kissing and hugging a
little boy. As it turned out, a son was born and he and his father are
affectionate and close. The new father felt no hesitancy about
expressing his feelings. Some fathers may become uncomfortable with
expressing affection to adolescent daughters. This unfortunate
association of affection with sexuality can deprive people of the
closeness they deeply need in their relationships.
There are many
ways in which men can express their affection for their children. Some
may feel comfortable talking with their children. Others may let their
actions reveal their feelings. Some expressions, like hugging, are
obvious while others, like quiet self-sacrifice, are more subtle. There
is a danger in letting our actions speak for themselves: subtle forms of
affection can easily be overlooked or misinterpreted. Words can enrich
what we do by making our actions more easily understood by others.
Children sometimes need to hear their father say "I love you" to fully
appreciate what he does for them. On the other hand, words not backed by
action may sound hollow and false. Every father will develop his own
style of showing affection in his relationships with others in his
family.
Few events will change a man's life as much as becoming a
father. Being a father can be both frightening and frustrating. For many
fathers, nothing makes them more angry than a defiant, stubborn child.
Being entrusted with the responsibility for the care of another person
can be an awesome task. But the opposite can also be true. Nothing may
give a father more pleasure than to see his children gradually grow into
adulthood, to have his affection returned in good measure and to have
his deepest feelings of self-worth confirmed. Regardless of the mask
they sometimes wear, whether it be one of casual aloofness or macho
toughness, fathers' feelings for and about their children run deep.
Fathers care.
References1. The Gallup Organization, "American Families - 1980," Princeton, New Jersey.
2. U.S. Department of Labor, "Working Mothers and Their Children," Washington, D.C.: U.S. Government Printing Office, 1979.
3. U.S. Department of Commerce, Bureau of the Census, "Current Population Reports," October 1981.
4. Lewis Yablonsky, Fathers and Sons (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1982).
5. William Schutz, Profound Simplicity (New York: Bantam Books, 1979).
6.
The research conclusions identified in this publication were selected
from the following books: Michael Lamb, The Role of the Father in Child
Development (New York: John Wiley, 1981); David B. Lynn, The Father: His
Role in Child Development (Monterey, CA: Brooks/Cole, 1974); Ross D.
Parke, Fathers (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1981).
7.
Charles A. Smith, Effective Discipline (Manhattan, KS: Cooperative
Extension Service, 1979/1980). Ask for publication numbers C-604, C-604a
and C-621.
8. My thanks to Dorothy Martin, Extension Family Life
Specialist in Colorado, for sharing the results of her study titled,
"The Expressive Domain of the Father - Adolescent Daughter Relationship
Defined by Their Perceptions and Desires." Available from Dissertation
Abstracts International, Vol. XXXIX, Number 11, 1979.
Reprinted from the National Network for Child Care -
NNCC. Smith, C. A. (1982). *Father's care*. [Extension Publication L-650] Manhattan, KS. Kansas State University Cooperative Extension Service.
